Non Veg Jokes

Non veg hindi jokes

FRESH UPDATED JOKES

 

 

motu-bhabhi ak gilas dudh dena. bhabhi-bilauch kar le lo.pio

motu:-ma kasam dudh maga to ye hal hai, agar pani mangta to kya hota.

 

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1pagal. 1khali paper ko bar-2 choom rha ta

2nd pagal ye kya hai?

1pagal -love letter hai.

2pagal-magar ye to khali hai

1pagal – aajkal bolchal band hai.

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Larki jub saray kapray utaar laiti hay to kia hota hay? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

 

Taar khali ho jati hay. Yaar kabhi to +ve socha karo… 😉

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GIRL: Jaano Meray mun mai Daalo, main Choson gi

BOY: Nahi nahi tum kha Gai toh main Kiya Karon ga?

GIRL: Tum Tum Doosri Icecream Le Lena!

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‘Pehly hath mein lo Phir mou me lo Phir thook lagao Phir seedha kero Or andar ghusao KITNA MUSHKIL KAAM HY SUI ME DHAGA DALNA

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‘Sardar darakht pe ulta latka hua tha..

Dost:Tu darakht p Q latka hai?

Sardar:Yar sir dard ki goli khai thi kahin pet mein na chali jaye.

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Rah chalti ladki ko dekh kar ladka shayari ke andaz mein bola

Ladka: Kash main tumhare hasen honton ki lip-stick hota

Ladki Ne huste hue jawab diye

Ladki: Shukar karo nahi ho warna roz kisi ke lu*d pe lage hotey.

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Marij: Dr.sahib mera khada nahi hota.

Dr.: Ru married? NO

Dr.: Do u have girlfriend? NO

Dr.: Muth marte ho? NO

To BC khada karke dolu taangega kya!

 

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Shadi ki pehli raat shohar apni biwi se:

Begam Ejazat hai?

Biwi: Ji Ejazat hai.

Shohar ne subah tak kar kar bura haal kar diya.

Biwi bimar ho gayi

Shohar usko sasural chodhne gaya,

Wapis aane laga toh apne saas & sasur se bola:

Achha Ji, Ejazat hai?

Bv chillaai: Papa Ejazat mat dena

MAA CH*D dega !

 

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Sunny leone in Master Chef:

Aaj main Aapko: Kele ka Kofta banana sikhati hoon.

Sabse pehle 1 saaf mota Kela lein.

Agar lene mein maza aa raha hai to lete rahein..

Kofte ki Maa ka Bhos*a.. fir kabhi ban jayega!

Source : Hindi Jokes

Cool Jokes Collection

1 – मालिक: तुम बाथरूम में क्यू घुस आए, क्या तुम्हे पता नही था की मैं नहा रहा हूँ?

नौकर: हज़ूर ग़लती हो गयी, में समझा था बेगम साहिबा है.

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2 – टीचर: सच ओर वहम में क्या फ़र्क़ है ?

स्टूडेंट: आप जो हमें पढ़ा रही हैं वो सच है, लेकिन हम सब पढ़ रहे हैं ये आपका वहम है……..

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3- लड़का: माँ, आज मेरा दोस्त घर आ रहा है….

घर के सब खिलोने छिपा दे.

माँ: तेरा दोस्त चोर है क्या?

लड़का: नहीं, वो अपने खिलोने पहेचान लेगा !

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4- एक छोटा बच्चा बहुत देर से घर के बाहर खड़ा दरवाजे की घंटी बजाने की कॉसिश कर रहा था.तो एक बूढ़ा आदमी आया और कहा:

बूढ़ा आदमी: क्या कर रहे हो बेटा?

बच्चा: अंकल, यह घंटी बजाना चाहता हूँ.

बूढ़ा आदमी (घंटी बजi के): यह लो बज गया, अब क्या है?

बच्चा: अब भागो!

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5- कस्टमर: मुझे फोन पेर धमकिया मिल रही है.

पोलीस: कौन है वो जो आपको धमकिया दे रहा है?

कस्टमर: टेलिफोन वाले बोलते है के, “बिल नही भरोगे तो काट देंगे.”

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6 – लोग कहते हैं की खुदा ने आपको बड़ी फ़ुर्सत में बनाया है…

ठीक ही कहते हैं, फालतू काम फ़ुर्सत में ही तो किए जाते हैं.

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7 – जो तुमको हो पसंद वोही बात कहेंगे,

तुम दिन को अगर रात कहो तो रात कहेंगे,

क्यूंकी… … “पागलो से बहस नही की जा सकती”….

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8 – बहू का फर्स्ट अफेयर सुनने के बाद ससुर ने बहू को मारा!

2न्ड अफेयर पता लगने पर पति ने मारा!

लेकिन सास हर बार चुप रही!

क्यूँ??

.

क्यूंकी सास भी कभी बहू थी!

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9 – टीचर: उसने खुद खुशी कर ली, उससे खुद खुशी करनी पड़ी, डिफरेन्स बताओ.

स्टूडेंट: पहले वाला पढ़ा लिखा बेरोज़गार था, दूसरा शादी शुदा था.

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10 – एक बार एक तोता उड़ रहा था फुल स्पीड पर.

उसके सामने अचानक फुल स्पीड में एक फरारी आ रही थी, दोनो की टक्कर हुई…

तोता बेहोश होगा या, रास्ते में एक भिकारी था उसने तोता को उठाया और घर ले गया.

उसको मरहम लगाया और पिंजरे में रख दिया.

जब तोता को होश आया, उसने अपने आप को पिंजरे में देखा.

और बोला, “आईला … जेल …. वो फरारी का ड्राइवर मर गया क्या ??

Source : Hindi Jokes

The Funniest Jokes

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:

– Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?

– That depends,” says the doctor. Do you smoke?

– No

– Do you drink?

– No

– Do you fool around with loose women?

– Of course not

– Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

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It’s alright

Two friends talking:

– Sorry man, I slept with your wife

– It’s ok, I sleep with her every ninght

 

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We’re all gonna die

– Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what’ll happen to me, am I gonna die?

– Well everyone is going to die some day, you know….

– Oh my God! What have I done? Now we’re all gonna die!

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Happy Marriage

– Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!

– So who’s the lucky man?

– The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist

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Pick up line

– Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like Marilyn Monroe?

– Noooooooo!!!!

– That’s right! ’cause you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger

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NATO in Libya

In order to protect civilians from airstrikes NATO air forces have to gun down themselves

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At school

– Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?

– Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

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Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.

– What happened to you?

– I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm

– But why is your foot bandaged?

– I kicked it back!

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Surfer

One shark to the other: Look at this surfer – he’s being served just like in a restaurant on a food-tray and with a napkin

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God doesn’t exist

“God doesn’t exist” – Karl Marx

“Karl Marx no longer exists” – God

Source : Funny Jokes

Hindi Jokes

Ek conductor ki shadi ho rahi thi, jab Dulhn phero ke waqt uske pas akar baithi to vo bola thoda pas ho k baith, ek sawari or baith sakti hai.

 

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Bahut Kuch Ditta Eh Rabba Tu Mainu, Bass Ik Meharbani Hor Karde

Ja Tah Milaade Mainu Yaar Mere Naal, Nhi Tah Botal Whisky Di Mere Moohre Dharde

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Customer: Mujhe phone per dhamkiya mill rahi hai.

Police: Kaun hai woh jo aapko dhamkiya de raha hai?

 

Customer: Telephone wale bolte hai ke, “Bill nahi bharoge toh kaat denge.”

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Ik Din Santa Mandir Gya, Lok Bhajan Ga Rhe C:

“Darshan De Gariban Nu, Darshan De Gariban Nu”…

Sante Di Nuh Da Na “Darshan Rani” Si, Santa Nu Gussa Aa Gya,

Te Oh Bhi Bhajan Gaaun Lagga, “Darshan Mere Munde Di Bahu,

Oh Ta Mere Munde Di Rhu , Baki Gal Nasiban Di, Evein Kiven Gariban Di”

 

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Ek Bache Di Nani Us Nu Sula Rahi C, Te Keh Rahi C Soja Degree Soja!

Tan Pdosan Ne Puchea Esnu Degree Kio Bula Rahi Hai

Tan Usne Keha,

Meri Kudi Chandigarh Degree Lain Gai C Aah Lai K Aa Gai…

 

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Santa & Banta Saffar Te Ja Rhe See, Raste Wichoh Raat Ho Gye

Te Oh Tent Lga Ke So Gye,

Raat Nu Banta Di Akh Khuli

Ohne Santa Nu Jaga Ke Kiha Asman Wal Dekh Ke Dass Tainu Ki Nazar Aa

Riha Hai Santa Boliya Bhut Sare Sittare

Banta Is To Ki Patta Lagda Hai

Santa: Assman Bhut Hi Khubsurat Hai Te Roshni B Hai

Banta: Oye Kanjra, Koi Sada Tent Putt Ke Lai Gya Hai

 

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Pappu Paperan Ch Fail Ho Gaya, Es Gall Te Baapu Ne Keha, Apne Padosh Aali Kudi Nu Dekh, Class Ch First Aayi Hai.

Oh Baapu Ohnu Hi Taan Dekhta Si, Taan Hi Taan Fail Ho Gaya…

 

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Ik Darzi Lokan De Kappde Lai Ke Faraar Ho Geya

Koi Kehenda Meri Pant,

Koi Kehenda Meri Shirt,

Sante Ne Ronde Hoye Keha Ke Oh Mera Napa Lai Geya…

 

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Tu sohni tera na sohni, par tu sohni ban ke na dikha saki,

sohni ta kache ghadde te v tarr ke aa gi C, Te tu Three Wheeler te vi na aa saki!!!

 

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Teacher: raju, tum kis liye college aate ho? , Student: vidya ke khaatir

Teacher: toh ab so kyu rahe ho? , Student: aaj vidya nahi aayi hai sir

 

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Doctor: is dawaa ko ek hafte main poora karo aur baad main aake milo.

Patient: teek hai doctor

(ek hafte ke baad)

Doctor: dawaa khatam huaa kya?

Patient: nahi doctor.

Doctor: kyu nahi?

Patient: usme likhaa thaa ke, bottle ko hamesha bandh rakhe

 

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Arz Karda Haan, Ohna Di Gali To Gujre

Taan Ohna Da Chobara Nazar Aaya,

Wah Ji Wah…

Ohda Baapu Bahar Aa Ke Boleya,

Hath Pair Tod Devanga, Je Fer Nazar Aaya…

 

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Santa Ne Blade De Naal Apni Girlfriend Da Naa Apne Hath Te Likheya

5 Minute Baad Jor Jor Di Ron Lageya.

Banta: Oh Kahnu Ronda Oye?

Santa: Maitho Spelling Galat Ho Gayi Naa Di…

 

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Santa is asked to translate a phrase in english:

“Dukh Hamesha Naal Rehnde Ne Per Khushi Aundi Jandi Rehendi Hai.”

Santa Translated it as: My wife is always with me but her sister comes and goes.

 

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Teacher: OXFORD matlab kya hai?

Student: OX matlab bail, FORD matlab Gaadi. to OXFORD matlab bail gaadi

 

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Pati: mere marne ke baad, kyaa tum doosri shaadi karogi?

Patni: nahi. main apni behan ki saath rahungi. aap?

Pati: main bhi tumhaare behan ke saath rahunga

 

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Patient: Doctor, yeh mera pehla operation hai. thoda dhyaan se karna.

Doctor: dara mat. yeh mera bhi pehla operation hai

 

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Beggar: 10 rupaiya dedo saab. girlfriend ko phone karni hai.

Saab ka girlfriend: dekho, bhikaari bhi apni girlfriend ko kitna pyar karta hai.

Beggar: nahi memsaab, use pyar karne ke baad hee main bhikaari ban gayaa

 

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Car chalaataa huaa Santa ko road mein “ACCIDENT ZONE” ka board dikhaa. isliye santa ne sochaa:

“Yeh log accident zone mein kyu road banaate hai?”

 

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Boy: kal maine tumhaare ghar gaya tha. lagta hai hamaari shaadi nahi hogi.

girl: kyu? pappa se mile the kya?

Boy: nahi, tumhaare behan se milaa tha

 

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Santa: tumhaara beta bilkul tumhaara jaisa hi dikhtaa hai.

Banta: dheere se bol… woh padosi ka beta hai

 

Source : Hindi Jokes

 

 

Mazedar Hindi Jokes

Sher Ka Puttar

Ek Srdar apne Bete se bola oye ghabra

 

mat Tu sher ka puttar hai.

Beta: oye papaji, acha hua bata diya

 

techer bhi ye hi puchti he ki Tu kis janwar

 

ki aulad hai.?

 

Doctor Ki Likhai

Doctor Parche pe aisa kya likhta hai jo

 

kewal Medical Store waale hi samajh paate

 

hai..

Wo likhte hai:—

“Maine to Loot Liya tu bhi Loot le…!”

 

Batao na.!!

Wife: Ji apko mujhme kya acha lagta hai

 

meri samajhdari ya meri beauty..

Husband: Mujhe to ye tumhari Majak karne

 

ki aadat bahut achi lagti hai..

 

 

Kya hai?

ek bar American, Pakistani,

Or Chinese Chand Per Gaye.

tino ne Neche Dekha To Zameen Per ek

 

Lambi Line Nazar aee.

American : Ye NASA Ki Building Hai.

Chinese: Nhi Ye Cheen Ki Deewar Hai.

Pakistani: Na, Na, Na, Yeh To Na Building

 

Hai Or Na Deewar, YeTo Utility Store K

 

Bahr cheni leny Walon Ki Line Hai..!

 

 

Aur Bhi Hai..

Sardar :- Yar iska matlab kya hota hai, “I

 

AM GOING”?

Friend :- Main jaa raha hun.

Sardar :- Saaley, aise kaise jayega, 20 aur

 

bhi aise ja chuke hain….answer bata ke

 

jaa..

 

 

Nahi Aata

Ek Sardar ne ek bachy se pucha k tum ko

 

a,b,c Aaty hai to bachy ne keha k mujy 9

 

tak aty hia..

Sardar ne bachy se keha k oyee Ullu k

 

pathy a,b,c main  9 nahi aata.

 

 

Fir Bhi!!

Sardar Ne Jalte Hue Makan Se 6 Logo Ko

 

Apni Jaan Pe Khelkar Bahar Nikala

Fir Bhi Usko Jail Ho Gayi

Kyun…

Kyun..Ki Vo Sab Firebrigade Wale The.

 

 

Jor Se Bolo

Teacher to class: A for?

Class: Apple

Teacher: Jor Se Bolo

Class: Jai Mata Di!

 

 

Gita pe haath Kabhi Nahi

vakil Lalu se :  “Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho

 

ke…… ”

Lalu : “Yeh kya laga rakha hai, Sita ko

 

haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir

 

Gita pe hat rakhunga to sasura aap use bhi

 

bulwa lenge…!”.

 

 

3 Din

Maalik Makaan : Mein tumko kiraya dene

 

ke liye aur 3 din ki mohlat deta hun.

Santa : Theek hai ji, mein Diwali Holi aur

 

Chrismas ke 3 din select karta hoon.

 

 

Main Mera..

Bachha  (phone par): Madam, mera beta

 

aaj school nahi aaygea?

Madam: Aap kon bol rahe ho Ji?

Bachha : Main Mera papa bol rahe hoon.

 

 

Palan Poshan

Ek 10 saal ka Bachha bohot dhyan se ek

 

book pad raha tha, jiska title tha: “Bachhon

 

ka paalan poshan kaise kare”.

Mother : yeh book kyon pad rahe ho.

Bachha : Mein yeh dekhna chahta hun ke

 

mera paalan poshan theek tara se ho raha

 

hai ya nahi.

 

 

Use Bande Ki Jeb Mai Thi

Santa: Tuhari car ka tyre puncture kaise

 

hua?

Driver Banta: Ik daaru ki bottle iske neeche

 

aa gayi thi.

Santa: Tumhe bottle nazar nahi aayi?

Driver Banta: Bottle uss bande ki jeb me thi

 

jo meri car ke neeche aaya tha.

 

 

Love

Boyfriend apni girlfriend ko I love you kehta

 

hai aur geer jata hai.

Girlfriend :- Yeh kya kar rahe ho?

Funny Boyfriend :- I’m falling in love.

 

 

Hole in the Umbrella

Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha

kisine pucha,umbrella me hole kyu?

2nd sardar: agar koi bomb raste me phat

 

gia to?

Sardar bola,Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata

 

kaise chalega

 

 

Fasi Ki Khushi se

Police:Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phasi di

 

jayegi.

Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Sardar(Khusi se) : Main to uthta hi subha 9

 

baje hon!!!

Source : Hindi Jokes